Trying Out Crazy Beauty Products
Judie: Face it, Evelinda, you and I are suckers. Suckers for every new beauty product that comes along. If there is an easy way out, we want it. Our motto: no pain, lots of gain.
Evelinda: I am addicted to those late night television infomercials and the ads at the back of fashion magazines. Now I also get pop-ups when I am on the internet promising me beauty miracles. So what if only a few women in thousands see results. I could be one of them. It’s possible, isn’t it?
Judie: Your faith is touching. And I have supported you all the way from the bust-up bubble gum to increase your bust size, to the miracle bicycle shorts that were supposed to melt away the pounds through lymphatic drainage. Who could forget those lollipops you made me suck before every meal for a week, hoping against hope our appetites would be suppressed and we’d lose weight.
Evelinda: Nothing worked. This time we decided to test products that seemed more conventional: Bumpits hair volumizing leave-in inserts, the InStyler rotating iron, and Sketchers fitness footwear shape-ups. 
Judie: First we tried the Bumpits ($9.99 at chain drugstores). These are basically plastic headbands in three different sizes with self gripping teeth on both sides. The Bumpits is placed firmly on the top of the scalp; hair is teased to within an inch of its life and then placed over the Bumpits. Finally gallons of hair spray are spritzed on the Bumpit to hold in place.
Evelinda: I took my Bumpits on a test drive to a party. When I arrived, it looked good, but after several vigorous dances, my Bumpit had the nerve to fall off my head and onto the dance floor. The Bumpits went from a Bumpit to a Stumpit.
Judie: I tried it too. I think I have a normal amount of hair–not too thick or thin, but I couldn’t cover the Bumpits no matter how much hair I tried to layer over it. As I teased and layered, teased and layered, I realized I was inadvertently building the dreaded beehive hairdo from the Fifties. Annette Funicello anyone?
Evelinda: Next we tried the new Sketchers shape-ups sneakers at $99.99 and up (endless.com). Pricey yes, but look at the benefit: Improves posture, promotes weight loss, tones muscles, firms buttocks, reduces cellulite, tightens abdominal muscles, and you don’t need a gym ... It’s the Holly Grail of exercise equipment. I have to have a pair.
Judie: Calm down, sister. I tried the shape-ups for a few days. Once I got over the queasy seasick feeling from the “dynamic rolling bottom,” I did notice that my calf muscles were contracting with each stride. That’s good. But all the other claims – nada. Don’t cancel your gym membership yet.
Evelinda: The InStyler (Target, Walgreens $99.99, getinstyler.com) was the winner. It really does what it claims to do – straighten, smooth and style hair. One side of the appliance is a hairbrush, the other is a metal barrel. Closing the two sides together activates the barrel to rotate. Heat is distributed evenly along the barrel so that hair is polished – no frizz and lots of shine. Two drawbacks: I needed to use more shine product than with other flat irons; and women with thick hair could end up with too much volume. Otherwise, take it from me: this is the newest most effective hair tool on the market.
Judie: Are you taking credit for being an early adapter?
Evelinda: Our readers can count on me for these kind of cutting edge beauty product updates.
Judie: I suppose that’s why your 78-year old mother bought the InStyler first and had to beg you to try it. Yeah, that’s right ... me and Mrs. Style Matters senior speak regularly.
Judie Schwartz and Evelinda Urman wrote the Style Matters column in the Rocky Mountain News for nine years. They are the authors of A Fashion-Lover’s Guide to the Best Shopping in Denver and Beyond, available at major bookstores, selected boutiques and www.stylematters.us.